Stop expecting, when you're expecting...

 "The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still..." Exodus 14:14

I haven't written in a few months because I felt like I should wait for the next big step in our adoption process. I wanted my next blog to be about the phone call we received telling us we have been matched. The truth... waiting is hard. I've finished my checklist, all the paperwork has been submitted, we are home-study approved, we registered, the nursery is ready... we just need the phone to ring. As difficult and painful as the first few months were dealing with the sting of infertility and the piles of work and fundraising ahead of us, I think this last month has been the hardest so far. The stillness, quiet, and not having a "to-do" list have left me extremely uncomfortable.

Last Sunday, I found myself angry during worship at church. Our pastor had spoke on how our God is a good God who wants good things for His children, and that His purpose for our lives is for us to experience His joy. I was confused at why He wasn't giving me a next step in our calling to adopt and really felt abandoned and alone...and bargained in my prayer that if He would just give me a baby I would experience joy. I know, childish right? When I got really honest with myself I knew the reason it was bothering me so much is because Jesus was taking away the walls of "busy-ness" I had built around my heart to protect me from being emotionally vulnerable with Him. I knew as long as I had a box to check I didn't have to face the ugly truth... that I was searching so desperately for my baby and preparing so hard for him/her, instead of placing my focus and my pursuit on Jesus and finding my satisfaction in Him alone.

Sometimes, Jesus brings us to a place where we feel like we aren't doing anything and it frustrates us, when we are exactly where He wants us to be... and He just wants us to sit for awhile with Him and for that to be enough. He wants our worship more than He wants our preparations, during our waiting (Luke 10:38-42). So that's what I've been doing the last couple of weeks... sitting still at Jesus' feet and listening. My heart has grown so full it feels like it will burst and He has taught me so so much during this waiting period. I am content for the first time in a very long time and no longer looking to the next box to check. I am confident He will provide because His promises do not return void and He wants more for me than I could ever want for myself.

So I challenge you to allow yourself to be vulnerable with Jesus, set aside some time for Him to break down walls in your life. True fulfillment doesn't come the way we think it does—through our striving, achieving, conquering, and acquiring.
Jesus teaches us in the scriptures that true joy and fulfillment comes through sacrificing ourselves for others—through being vulnerable even to those who reject us. It comes through pouring out ourselves for others, and trusting God to fill us back up (John 12:23-25). Jesus uses circumstances in our lives, especially our places of woundedness, brokenness, disappointment, and rejection, for good. We are all reliant on Him all the time, but all too often, we fail to grasp this. When bad things happen, we turn to Jesus (just like David did in Psalms) with our fears because we have nowhere else to go. At that point in time we realize that no friend, no doctor, no medication can fill the deepest longings of our hearts, and so we cry out to Jesus.

When we feel like we just can't do it or don't want to be vulnerable, we can be reminded that He became vulnerable to us. He died naked, abandoned, and alone on the cross. Even God turned His back on Jesus on the cross, so Jesus could experience hell for us. Just as He did for the cross, God can transform our weakest, ugliest, most shameful places into sources of beauty that can bring Him glory. This has been such a sweet reminder that we will never "arrive" or know all there is to know about Him. He has so much to teach me and I have so much to learn from Him. It's in this vulnerable state that my prayer has changed from "God, make me a mother" to "God, mold me into the mother you want me to be... no matter how long it takes."

So, it's not that He doesn't want me to be excited or plan for this beautiful promise of a baby. It's not that checking all of those boxes were wrong. Jesus wants me to be expectant during this time, but to be more expectant of what He has planned, than what I do... 

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Infertility Blues... Again.

I woke up this morning with a suffocating lump in my throat. The sickening pit in my stomach, the desire so strong I could explode, met with the realization that I may never be... pregnant. After being 18 days late, this morning... I felt all of that hope crash all over again. I know some of you are thinking, "but aren't you and your husband called to adopt..." or "how selfish is she to want to be pregnant when she's adopting..." Trust me, I've said the same things to myself over and over again. A good friend of mine who has walked in my shoes shared some wise words to me once that adoption does not cure infertility. I couldn't agree more... adoption does not cure infertility, but daily searching for my identity in Jesus and finding my fulfillment in Him does.

I am no where near perfect... I have struggles on a day to day basis just like everyone else. I squeeze my toothpaste from the center of the tube, forget to replace the toilet paper roll, let dirty dishes pile up in the sink, and I struggle with real sin every single day. Finding my fulfillment in anything but Jesus is sin, but the beautiful thing about all of our sin is that it's never bigger than Jesus and His grace covers it all. 

My husband and I were called to adopt a newborn baby domestically eight months ago. Since that time God has grown me in ways that I can't even describe and has proven His faithfulness again and again. I know that He has big plans to use our story to bring so so much glory to His name. I have made incredible friendships with people literally all over the world since our announcement. I've heard stories similar to mine with all sorts of amazing journeys of how God brought a baby into their lives. I cannot tell you guys how much your encouragement, prayers, and support have meant to me over the past several months. Know that I still struggle, I still feel pain, and I still battle with infertility. At the same time, I have such a deep longing to get the phone call that could come literally any day now, from the birth mom that Jesus has for us. I cannot wait to be able to tell our baby the beautiful story of how their adoption impacted so many people, and how they were loved and pursued before they were even conceived. My struggles with infertility in no way lesson my burden and calling for the child we are adopting. 

I decided to blog today because I know that keeping these feelings to myself rob God of potential glory and I want nothing more than for Him to use every single bit of our journey to help encourage others on their journey as they go through similar emotions. Honestly, I immediately felt guilty over the excitement I have been feeling the last 18 days that I might be pregnant. My mom reminded me earlier this morning that "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28). This means that He allowed these 18 days and the feelings that have accompanied them, as part of His preparation in us for what's to come. If nothing else, it has reminded me that God has given us exactly what we needed when we needed it throughout our journey, His timing is perfect, and He isn't finished with our story. 

Thanks for reading! I appreciate your prayers today...

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Remember...

Just blown away today that we serve a God who always provides what we need. 3 months & 17 days ago, I announced what then seemed impossible, that we were going to adopt a baby debt-free. Today I checked our adoption account balance and one word hit my heart—remember. 

I remember sitting in the dr office when they told us a baby was impossible. I remember going to the bank to open our adoption account and them asking if we would have the minimum amount required for an account within 60 days to avoid a fee, and me telling Him that I knew The Lord would provide. I remember, even recently, friends shocked that we weren't getting a loan for our adoption. I remember laying in bed listening to Chip encourage me that Jesus has a plan and has called us to this and would not fail us. I remember 107 days ago not having a penny in that account, and today when I looked at it The Lord reminded me what His faithfulness looks like. It's so easy to focus on the $6,000 left we need to raise and not the $9,000+ that Jesus has provided already. 

If you have donated, thank you so so much! Keep sharing our story and keep praying! If you feel led to donate now, you can by clicking the "donate now" link at the top right of our blog. 

He is so so good to us and I cannot wait to see how He plans to continue to use our adoption story for His glory!

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What's this "Adoption Puzzle" thing??

We are so excited about our adoption and we KNOW without a doubt that this is EXACTLY what God is calling us to do. Not in a year, not in 5 years, but right now!

Our best guess is that our adoption will cost close to $15,000 - $20,000. So, in an attempt to help offset some of the costs, we are asking people to sponsor a puzzle piece for $5 per piece. If you buy a puzzle piece, we will write your name on the front of the piece. Once all the pieces are sold, and the puzzle is completed, we will frame the puzzle with the names facing outward. We would like to hang this in our nursery as a thank you to all of the people who are helping us make this adoption possible, and so that our son or daughter will grow up seeing the names of each person who prayed and supported their adoption story.

If you would like to sponsor a puzzle piece, you can make your payment through Paypal. To donate through Paypal just click the link on the right-hand side of this blog. You'll have to put in the amount of pieces you would like to sponsor, at $5 per piece.

Please note that you do not have to have a Paypal account to make this payment online. Just click on the "Donate" button and then scroll down the page to the section that says "Don't have a Paypal account?" Click "Continue" and it will take you to a page to make your payment without having to create an account.

If you are not comfortable with Paypal, but would like to purchase a puzzle piece or two, feel free to send me an email. I'll let you know our address and you can send us a check. My email address is elizabethadoption@gmail.com. And if you would like to buy more than one puzzle piece, we would be very grateful!

Thank you all for your ongoing prayers and support!!

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11 

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Abundantly More...

This past Saturday was our Yard Sale Fundraiser...

I had set a personal goal of $300, and after weeks of preparation and organizing I woke up Saturday morning and asked God to show up.

First of all I want to thank ALL of the sweet people who donated their items to our yard sale! We had SOOOO much stuff and it was awesome!

Next I want to thank everyone who took time out of their Saturday to come help set up, sell, and clean up afterward... we seriously could NOT have done this without your help. Shout-outs to: My parents, grandparents, sister, brother-in-law, Walter Tollison, Karen Neal, Justin & Simone Carroll, Kirk & Jen Morris (and Bekah), Lauren Fincher, Brittany Bridwell, Josh Hellums, Andrea Addington, Tiffany Vatakis, Tami & Mackenzie Peterman.

I also want to thank each person who came out to support our yard sale! It was awesome to see so many friends and family members who wanted to help us bring home our baby!

At one point I remember looking around and fighting tears just because of how many of my dear friends showed up to shop our yard sale and how determined they were to come help us out. God taught me so much on Saturday and one of those reminders was simply... you can't do life alone, and with Jesus it's pretty much impossible. He continues to send us old friends and new friends to love on us and encourage us daily... these people (you know who you are) have become family... and our child is already blessed to have you in his/her life.

Throughout the day my incredible sister would come empty the cash drawer so that we didn't have too much at any one point in the day. Around lunchtime we were blown away by how much we had already removed. At that point I decided we would stop counting... I wanted us to wait until the end to count everything out together.

All in all I was floored by the outpouring of love, support, and encouragement shown by our community on Saturday. God pressed into my heart all day that Chip and I are NOT alone in this journey and that the best is yet to come!

After the crowd died down (around 4pm) we decided to take all of the money inside and start counting... so Jessica, Lauren, Simone, and I went inside and began to count. Jessica kept track of the totals—and was the only one who knew the final number. We went back outside to make the big announcement and were surprised when we saw about 5 cars of people STILL shopping. God was not done...

Finally once everyone left we gathered everyone around to hear the totals and to take some pictures... Jessica announced the donations first... which were $325 alone! God provided my personal goal in JUST donations! Then... he opened the floodgates! Our yard sale put us at over $5000 total in our Adoption Fund! I'll just say that God knows EXACTLY what He is doing and that He already knows how and when He will provide the remaining $10,000.

Ya'll in just a little over a month we have raised over $5,000! That is PHENOMENAL!! Keep praying, keep sharing our story, and if God lays it on your heart... keep giving. He IS a promise maker AND a promise keeper, and we are humbled that He is giving us front row seats to watch Him work miracles in our life!

This weekend is Easter—the ultimate picture of hope. As believers we know that Jesus conquered death and with it He also conquered every single difficult season we will ever encounter in our lives. Trust Him and He will never let you down!

I'll close with a note from my journal that I wrote the morning before the yard sale... "In His suffering He thought of me, in my suffering, if I look to Him... He's all I need." We love each and every one of you SO SO much and are so excited to see what's to come!

Again, if you would like to donate you can at http://www.mycaring.com/babyb and if you would like a t-shirt please shoot us an email and we will get your size info and address.

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Mommy To Be

The last few weeks I have sat down to write and just couldn't find words to put down... I knew that God would stir my heart when the timing was right and give me the words to say, so I stepped away for a little while and waited. Days went by and still nothing... I just couldn't figure out how to express what I was feeling...until today—and it's still pretty messy... but I'm going to write it anyway.

I'm scared to death... and have so many feelings going through my mind about this whole "becoming a mother thing." I know that God is preparing me little by little but so many questions overwhelm me every time I think about the ticking clock getting closer and closer to me becoming a mom.

I cannot describe to you how badly I want to be a mother. It's so close to real physical heartache sometimes that I have to get my mind off of thinking about our baby. I'll find myself dreaming about what he/she is going to look like and longing to the baby noises. But in the midst of all of the excitement I also experience real fear about my inadequacies in becoming a mother. I have been so abundantly blessed to grow up with such an incredible example of what a godly mother should look like. My mom was the BEST mom, hands down! Maybe that's why I am so terrified... I mean how do I just all of a sudden take on all of those traits that she exemplified? Being patient, gentle, kind, loving, creative, fun—while teaching me right from wrong... how do I do that?

I know the "right" answer is that I will grow into that role and that God will give me everything I need to be the mother He wants me to be... but that doesn't make it any less scary. For me this is like telling someone that they will be sailing a ship soon... could be a month or it could be a year before it happens, but not to worry that when the time comes they will have everything they need in order to be a successful captain. Ok, so it's not exactly the same thing... but that's what it feels like to me.

So I've started being really blunt in my prayers with Jesus lately... I'm asking Him to make me a mom that will glorify Him. And instead of asking Him to take away my pain/heartache/fear, I've asked, "Jesus, let me see you." Here's an excerpt from a book I've been reading written by our pastor that has really encouraged me in this area, over the last few days...

Every time I've walked through the fire, He has allowed me to do so in order for me to see Him more clearly and follow Him more closely. How would we know He's a healer if we didn't experience times when we needed to be healed? How would we know He's a Savior if we didn't experience things we needed to be saved from? How would we know He's a provider if we didn't experience times when we thought we weren't going to make it? If you feel like you're walking in a fire that is seven times hotter than you've ever experienced, my challenge to you is to pray this bold prayer: "Jesus let me see You. Teach me who You are in this fire." - Overwhelmed by Perry Noble

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7 Days...

Seven days since we made our adoption announcement. Seven days full of my inability to express my gratitude for all that Jesus has done. Seven days of Satan not having any ground to stand on in his attacks...

Today I woke up feeling different though. Today I am struggling with fears and insecurities. Today I have cried 3 times.

Why is it that when God has moved in extraordinary ways right before our eyes, it only takes a split second for us to doubt His faithfulness?

I received an Instagram direct message from my best friend a few minutes ago and it could not have been anything but Jesus because of the perfect timing, so I wanted to share it with you guys...

The truth is everyday is not going to be easy—but no one ever said having a baby was easy.

On this 8th day, I am thankful for SO much that God is doing in our lives, so I am choosing to reflect on those things.

I'm thankful for:

- Friends who move when God asks them to

- A God who keeps His promises and is capable to do ALL things

-All 1228 people who have liked and shared our page

-Everyone who is praying for us and our baby

-Each and every person who has already given a donation. Today we have raised $1300 of our $40,000 goal (in JUST 8 days)!

Thank you all for sharing my story and for all of the encouragement we have received. Chip and I are eternally grateful and cannot wait to share with our baby the names of each of you that helped he/she come home.

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God is SO Faithful!

We are so overwhelmed by all of the encouragement and support so far! Thank you all for your sweet posts and I promise I will get back to everyone who sent me a message. To answer a few questions we have received so far… Please feel free to ask questions and share our story! The more people who know and can pray and support us the better! Thanks again!

1. How can we donate? Visit our YouCaring site to donate there OR visit our blog and donate there! youcaring.com/babyb

2. What fundraisers are you planning?
1. Community Yard Sale - Saturday, March 22nd. We will be taking donations and are still looking for a place to have this if you have any ideas let us know!
2. T-Shirts - More info to come!
3. Mary Kay - 50% of all sales go toward our adoption!
1. http://www.marykay.com/ebordeaux
4. Scentsy - Click here to shop! Then click the green arrow to pick a party, after clicking on the arrow you will see the link that says " Bringing Home Baby Bordeaux". If you click shop now you can purchase items
5. Puzzle - Buy a puzzle piece for $5 and we will write your name on the puzzle piece. This puzzle will hang in the nursery so that Baby Bordeaux will see from day 1 the people who helped bring him/her home!

3. Where are you in the process? We have met with our attorney and will be beginning the home study process sometime in the next few weeks.

4. Like our Facebook Page: Bring Home Baby Bordeaux to keep up with our journey! 

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A day to celebrate

Birthdays have always been a big deal for me. I'm one of those people who still loves to celebrate—and I doubt I'll ever grow out of that. I enjoy celebrating my family & friends birthdays just as much as I love celebrating mine... I just love birthdays. To me, a birthday is an opportunity to celebrate life.

Birthdays are apparently celebrated all across the world in different ways... 

In Canada with nose greasing. In China there's long noodles. In Germany they sweep streets. I'd say we are pretty lucky here in the US to celebrate with a sugar high and candles. 

This year; however, we are celebrating my birthday for another reason... A baby's life that will be forever changed. 

Tomorrow Chip and I get to make our adoption announcement public. 

As I sit here typing I am experiencing so many different emotions. I am nervous because I know once we make our announcement there will be a lot of reactions and I am already preparing to step in and protect our baby from those who doubt this decision or may have ugly thoughts or words to say about the matter. 

I am also anxious because I know once the news is out, it makes everything real. 

Most of all though, I am filled with so much love because I know as of tomorrow the public will see us as a mommy and daddy to be. 

I was reminded this afternoon by a Facebook post that God always has the final say and that He has the power to do all things—both imaginable and unimaginable. That is what we are holding onto. 

We know that God put a calling on our lives to adopt a baby and we trust that sometime over the next year, that baby will be placed in our arms. 

I say all of this to say, this mama-to-be is going to bed on her birthday eve more excited for tomorrow than she's ever been! I cannot wait to see what this next journey has for us and how God plans to use it to further His kingdom!

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An Update

After months of tests, retests, waiting, and praying. On November 26th we received the news outside of a miracle, we will not conceive a child. The truth is I had prepared myself to get this news. The sting of the pain that I felt in that moment wasn't as sharp as I expected it would be. Grace. God had been preparing me for that day my entire life. In the few months before that day I had been waking up with nightmares in the middle of the night... A baby in a dark room screaming, A toddler in a basement screaming, "Mommy!!" I would wake up in tears and Chip would calm me down. I just couldn't understand why God was torturing me. One day during that time I had coffee with a good friend of mine and she said something that ever since has been the force driving me toward our decision. "Burden plus opportunity, equals calling." God had began to place on my heart a heavy burden that there was a child out there that needed us. Through those dreams, Jesus was revealing to me the calling He was placing on mine and Chip's life...

Chip and I have decided, with much prayer that Jesus is calling us to adopt a child. This has not been a hard decision, although I have picked it apart scrutinizing everything to make sure this is the path God is leading us down. We have always wanted to adopt a child, we just assumed it would be after having biological children, but God had other plans. We already love this child more than anyone can imagine, because it is already our child. God knew the day I was conceived, that He would bless me with a child and I've held that promise in my heart ever since. Our Father is a promise maker, and a promise keeper.

This child is already a member of a family who loves him/her so much. This child has so many people praying for them. This child gets to begin its' life surrounded by love.

We are so excited to begin this journey, and though we know there are still "labor pains" ahead, we are so blessed to have friends/family like you to walk beside us every step.

Please pray for Baby Bordeaux, that he/she will one day begin a relationship with Jesus and use their story to bring glory to Him.

Please pray for the social workers, attorneys, birth mothers, and everyone else that we will cross paths with along the way, that they will see Jesus through us.

Please pray for our family as the news is still reaching some. Pray for understanding and that God can use our story to share His love and our need for Him.

Lastly, please pray for Chip and I... there is a mountain of information, forms, and financial commitments ahead that terrify us. I think the biggest fear is the money; however, I am confident that Jesus has called us to this and that He will provide our every need.

If you feel led to make a donation, you can click on the yellow "Donate" button at the top right of the screen, or send a check to us at 122 Lake Dr. Liberty, SC 29657.

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Pain

Jesus knew pain and exposed His emotions during His suffering. He has been teaching me that although I know that what we are going through is ultimately for His glory, that He wants me to be real with my feelings during the process. He wants me to expose my suffering to Him and not be superficial in my prayers. I will have good days and I will have bad days, and I must allow myself to experience the pain as well as His strength.

I can hold tightly to these truths during the process...

God is a good God who wants good things for His children. 

God is faithful and knows His children's desires. 

God will get the glory for my suffering. 

He has chosen us to go through this. 

Our story will preach the gospel and point people to Jesus. 

I am not alone in this process. 

God has a child out there for us. 

Gods plans are ALWAYS greater than our plans.

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Grace

Grace is such a simple concept until we try to define it. It suddenly gets very complex with numerous definitions and examples. I've been reading Jud Wilhite's book Pursued. In it, he provides a very unique definition for grace. Grace is not only what God guards us from, but also what He brings us to. Although it has taken some time to process...God has shown tremendous grace to us through infertility... While things aren't necessarily going exactly as I expected them to, if it were not for Him bringing us to this experience, we would not have the opportunity to experience and glorify Him through it.

I had coffee with a friend last week and she and I talked about how God knows the desires of our hearts and promises to fulfill them. We have to trust His timing and be ok with sitting still when that's what He has called us to. Many times in scripture, He asks His children to wait and have faith. Whether it be weeks, months, or years—He will be faithful. 

I can't help but wonder how many times we have missed Gods best, simply by moving when He has said to stay still. 

I'm confident that God will provide a child in His timing and that our waiting is not a punishment, but a gift He has given us so we can share our story and impact lives for His kingdom. 

Today, two of our best friends are in the delivery room, and by this evening will be holding a perfect picture of God's grace—their daughter. The enemy wants us to compare our lack of a baby to their story, but the truth is God has given us empty arms during this season as a perfect picture of His grace.

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The News...

I've had a hard time composing myself enough to sit down and write this... but it's time.

Chip and I decided about a month ago to pursue our infertility with a little more intensity, it was time for us to talk to our doctor and find out what was going on. My mother's family has a history of PCOS and Endometriosis as well as miscarriages, so I have always expected it would be a little harder for me to get pregnant than most. I had heard all about my various options for fixing what was wrong with my body in order to conceive... I was prepared... and ready... so I made the appointment.

I will always remember that night. We had just gotten home from taking a friend of ours out for a birthday dinner. It had been a long day, so I changed into my pj's and climbed into the bed. Chip spoke up and said, "There's something I need to tell you..." My heart started racing and I knew something was wrong. He continued, "the doctor called today to give us the test results..." At that moment, I pictured myself in a hospital bed and the doctor handing me my baby, with tears of pain, excitement, and love I looked up at Chip and smiled. I thought about the day I had planned out telling our parents the news that we were expecting. I imagined feeling our baby kick and move inside of me. All of these experiences...in an instant became impossible. Chip interrupted my daydream, "Elizabeth did you hear me?" He began explaining in his own way that the tests were not what we had hoped... In that moment God revealed something to me... He did not intend to keep us from experiencing these magical moments, but had BETTER more meaningful moments planned for us. Jesus wants nothing more than for me to experience His best—which will fulfill me more than any dreams and plans I could ever want. The truth is God wants to give us the desires of our hearts and He ALWAYS keeps His promises. So as difficult as this next season will be for us both, I know that God is faithful and He will fulfill His promise to give us a child.

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He provides all our needs...

I love how the Lord always provides what we need, when He knows we need it most. Recently, a girl I went to college with began the adoption process. Her and her husband have struggled with infertility for years and after much prayer have decided this is where God is leading them. It has been such an incredible encouragement to read her story, and she actually is who inspired me to start this blog—if for no other reason than to put my feelings down on paper aka the screen. I hope one day my story will too encourage a girl going through the struggle of infertility. Please take a little time to check out her blog Grace While We Wait.

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Relating to The Shunamite...

Unknown to many... My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for two years now. 

We decided a few months after we were married, to stop taking birth control and give full control to God on when to have a child. Now we are not anti-birth control by any means... I just had been on a roller coaster of emotions and my body continued to reject (through various health issues) every brand of birth control we tried. So, we decided in January of 2011 that we would give complete control to Jesus in determining our pregnancy. 

Chip and I knew we wanted babies and were perfectly ok with having them early on in our marriage. We expected a "surprise" shortly after we stopped taking birth control, little did we know that God had other plans...

I was raised in a very large family. My grandmother, one of 8 girls and a mother of 5,  kept a daycare from the time her youngest was a toddler until she retired a few years ago. As long as I can remember I have been surrounded by children. Being the oldest of 13 grandchildren—ages 4 to 25, and 2 great-grandchildren, with 2 more on the way, it goes without saying our family comes from a long line of "fertile myrtle's". I have had the desire for motherhood since I was old enough to hold a baby-doll. 

After meeting Chip, I knew we would be wonderful parents. He is such a kid at heart and loves to be around children of any age... I never dreamed that our prayers would not be immediately answered. But now, it has been over two years since we went off of birth control, and we still have not conceived. 

It is such a struggle to trust and hold on to the fact that God is a promise maker AND a promise keeper, but that is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind. Yesterday was Mother's Day. Currently, I have 8 friends (off the top of my head) who are expecting, my Facebook feed is swarming with baby announcements, and I have already attended 3 baby showers in the last month. I am so excited for them all, and I don't for one second want any of them to feel bad for sharing their excitement and updates because I want to be there for them every step of the way. They are experiencing God's blessings and I do not want to take away from that one second. I want them to understand that they are not hurting me by sharing their news, honestly it is just a reminder when they do that one day God will fulfill His promise of motherhood to me too. I just wanted to make that clear before going any further, because it is important for my friends to hear me when I say, please do not stop sharing with me out of fear of hurting me. I love hearing all of the joys of motherhood from you!

With that being said...

Yesterday as I watched all of the mother's at church beam with the overwhelming joy of being a mom, and all of the moms-to-be with their excitement of what's to come, I was met with that all too familiar pang of jealousy. I almost didn't even go to church because I knew it would be a sermon focused on motherhood, something that I had convinced myself may never happen for me. I always manage to put on a smile and tell everyone that I am ok with that, and honestly if we are never blessed with a child I will know that despite how hard it is that God is still good and wants great things for my life. 

But yesterday, Jesus took the opportunity to speak to me right where I was during the sermon and I just wanted to share some things with you in hope that He will speak to you as well. 

The story starts in 2 Kings 4:8. Elisha was a prophet in Israel (and prophets were very popular politically and spiritually—they represented the promises of God in Israel).

1. God knows our hearts- This story is about a Shunamite woman who had a heart that was inclined toward the things of God and her struggle (like ours) to not doubt that God is a promise maker and a promise keeper. It is important to remember throughout the story that Elisha should represent Jesus. Starting out in the story, the woman recognized this fact and literally made room in her home for God to work (v.9-10). This is such a "Christian" idea... but I had to ask myself in the midst of my fears of not ever experiencing motherhood, had I made room for God to work or had my fears and reasoning of what was to be consumed my heart?

2. God cares- Elisha was thrilled that she had made room for him, so he asked her if he could do anything to show his gratitude and she said no that she didn't need anything... Isn't this just like us women? I know it is so easy for me to think my problem (infertility) is not as big as some people's needs and that I will be ok without... because there are tons of people who need their prayers answered so much more than I do... Elisha knew better... and again he represents Jesus. The fact is that God cares not just about us, but about what we care about. Don't be scared to pray big prayers because God cares. Sometimes we get in circumstances that seem impossible... we call them impossible circumstances, God calls them miracles. Once Elisha heard that she had a desire to be a mother, he made her a promise that she would be a mother within a year. She then chose to take God at his word. We have to pursue the promises that God made in His word... We can't just pray, we have to pursue... After she heard Elisha, she didn't go pray (not that it's a bad thing) but she went to work... Now this doesn't just have to be physically, but something changed in her. All of the doubt that previously consumed her vanished just by hearing the promise spoken by Elisha. We have that same promise based in the Word... We must take that promise and go to work just as she did, and no longer accept that God will not fulfill His promise to us.

3. God is able- By verses 18-20 we see that at the brightest point in the day, her promise from God died in her lap. The thing is she did not give up here... Her actions in this moment are so important. She carried the boy (which Bible scholars believe was around 10 years old at this time) up to the roof to Elisha's room. She took her promise straight to lay him in Elisha's bed. Remember that Elisha represents Jesus... This mother did not give up on God's promise even when it died. She laid him in God's bed, left the room, and shut the door behind her. Sometimes we have to get to a point where we trust God with our fears more than we trust ourselves, to the point where we lay it at His feet and close the door behind us knowing He can handle it much better than we can. We have to trust God with the promise, more than we trust ourselves.

She didn't just stop there though... she left to go find Elisha, clung to his feet, and refused to let go until he (himself... not his staff, or a servant) came to heal her son. She was a persistent woman who refused to give up on her promise maker. Too many times we are willing to pray for God to do His part and not perspire to do our part.

I took so much from this story, and I know it could speak to women in all sorts of situations; however, for me it was a reminder to not give up on the promises of God. It's so easy for me after two years of infertility to become ok with not receiving the promise of a child... but God desires for us to cling to his feet as the woman did in the story and refuse to give up on the promise that He has made for us.

To be honest, I will be perfectly ok if I never have a child of my own... but God is not ok with that. He wants us to continue praying and perspiring knowing that He will come through for us. In the bible, God ALWAYS keeps His promises. Even if he does not grant us a child, it is not He is not able... so I will continue believing that He is and refusing to believe anything short of that. In His perfect timing, He will answer my prayers in such a way that will fulfill His promise as well as my heart's desire.

I hope this speaks encouragement to you, as it did me.

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