Stop expecting, when you're expecting...

 "The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still..." Exodus 14:14

I haven't written in a few months because I felt like I should wait for the next big step in our adoption process. I wanted my next blog to be about the phone call we received telling us we have been matched. The truth... waiting is hard. I've finished my checklist, all the paperwork has been submitted, we are home-study approved, we registered, the nursery is ready... we just need the phone to ring. As difficult and painful as the first few months were dealing with the sting of infertility and the piles of work and fundraising ahead of us, I think this last month has been the hardest so far. The stillness, quiet, and not having a "to-do" list have left me extremely uncomfortable.

Last Sunday, I found myself angry during worship at church. Our pastor had spoke on how our God is a good God who wants good things for His children, and that His purpose for our lives is for us to experience His joy. I was confused at why He wasn't giving me a next step in our calling to adopt and really felt abandoned and alone...and bargained in my prayer that if He would just give me a baby I would experience joy. I know, childish right? When I got really honest with myself I knew the reason it was bothering me so much is because Jesus was taking away the walls of "busy-ness" I had built around my heart to protect me from being emotionally vulnerable with Him. I knew as long as I had a box to check I didn't have to face the ugly truth... that I was searching so desperately for my baby and preparing so hard for him/her, instead of placing my focus and my pursuit on Jesus and finding my satisfaction in Him alone.

Sometimes, Jesus brings us to a place where we feel like we aren't doing anything and it frustrates us, when we are exactly where He wants us to be... and He just wants us to sit for awhile with Him and for that to be enough. He wants our worship more than He wants our preparations, during our waiting (Luke 10:38-42). So that's what I've been doing the last couple of weeks... sitting still at Jesus' feet and listening. My heart has grown so full it feels like it will burst and He has taught me so so much during this waiting period. I am content for the first time in a very long time and no longer looking to the next box to check. I am confident He will provide because His promises do not return void and He wants more for me than I could ever want for myself.

So I challenge you to allow yourself to be vulnerable with Jesus, set aside some time for Him to break down walls in your life. True fulfillment doesn't come the way we think it does—through our striving, achieving, conquering, and acquiring.
Jesus teaches us in the scriptures that true joy and fulfillment comes through sacrificing ourselves for others—through being vulnerable even to those who reject us. It comes through pouring out ourselves for others, and trusting God to fill us back up (John 12:23-25). Jesus uses circumstances in our lives, especially our places of woundedness, brokenness, disappointment, and rejection, for good. We are all reliant on Him all the time, but all too often, we fail to grasp this. When bad things happen, we turn to Jesus (just like David did in Psalms) with our fears because we have nowhere else to go. At that point in time we realize that no friend, no doctor, no medication can fill the deepest longings of our hearts, and so we cry out to Jesus.

When we feel like we just can't do it or don't want to be vulnerable, we can be reminded that He became vulnerable to us. He died naked, abandoned, and alone on the cross. Even God turned His back on Jesus on the cross, so Jesus could experience hell for us. Just as He did for the cross, God can transform our weakest, ugliest, most shameful places into sources of beauty that can bring Him glory. This has been such a sweet reminder that we will never "arrive" or know all there is to know about Him. He has so much to teach me and I have so much to learn from Him. It's in this vulnerable state that my prayer has changed from "God, make me a mother" to "God, mold me into the mother you want me to be... no matter how long it takes."

So, it's not that He doesn't want me to be excited or plan for this beautiful promise of a baby. It's not that checking all of those boxes were wrong. Jesus wants me to be expectant during this time, but to be more expectant of what He has planned, than what I do... 

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Infertility Blues... Again.

I woke up this morning with a suffocating lump in my throat. The sickening pit in my stomach, the desire so strong I could explode, met with the realization that I may never be... pregnant. After being 18 days late, this morning... I felt all of that hope crash all over again. I know some of you are thinking, "but aren't you and your husband called to adopt..." or "how selfish is she to want to be pregnant when she's adopting..." Trust me, I've said the same things to myself over and over again. A good friend of mine who has walked in my shoes shared some wise words to me once that adoption does not cure infertility. I couldn't agree more... adoption does not cure infertility, but daily searching for my identity in Jesus and finding my fulfillment in Him does.

I am no where near perfect... I have struggles on a day to day basis just like everyone else. I squeeze my toothpaste from the center of the tube, forget to replace the toilet paper roll, let dirty dishes pile up in the sink, and I struggle with real sin every single day. Finding my fulfillment in anything but Jesus is sin, but the beautiful thing about all of our sin is that it's never bigger than Jesus and His grace covers it all. 

My husband and I were called to adopt a newborn baby domestically eight months ago. Since that time God has grown me in ways that I can't even describe and has proven His faithfulness again and again. I know that He has big plans to use our story to bring so so much glory to His name. I have made incredible friendships with people literally all over the world since our announcement. I've heard stories similar to mine with all sorts of amazing journeys of how God brought a baby into their lives. I cannot tell you guys how much your encouragement, prayers, and support have meant to me over the past several months. Know that I still struggle, I still feel pain, and I still battle with infertility. At the same time, I have such a deep longing to get the phone call that could come literally any day now, from the birth mom that Jesus has for us. I cannot wait to be able to tell our baby the beautiful story of how their adoption impacted so many people, and how they were loved and pursued before they were even conceived. My struggles with infertility in no way lesson my burden and calling for the child we are adopting. 

I decided to blog today because I know that keeping these feelings to myself rob God of potential glory and I want nothing more than for Him to use every single bit of our journey to help encourage others on their journey as they go through similar emotions. Honestly, I immediately felt guilty over the excitement I have been feeling the last 18 days that I might be pregnant. My mom reminded me earlier this morning that "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28). This means that He allowed these 18 days and the feelings that have accompanied them, as part of His preparation in us for what's to come. If nothing else, it has reminded me that God has given us exactly what we needed when we needed it throughout our journey, His timing is perfect, and He isn't finished with our story. 

Thanks for reading! I appreciate your prayers today...

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What's this "Adoption Puzzle" thing??

We are so excited about our adoption and we KNOW without a doubt that this is EXACTLY what God is calling us to do. Not in a year, not in 5 years, but right now!

Our best guess is that our adoption will cost close to $15,000 - $20,000. So, in an attempt to help offset some of the costs, we are asking people to sponsor a puzzle piece for $5 per piece. If you buy a puzzle piece, we will write your name on the front of the piece. Once all the pieces are sold, and the puzzle is completed, we will frame the puzzle with the names facing outward. We would like to hang this in our nursery as a thank you to all of the people who are helping us make this adoption possible, and so that our son or daughter will grow up seeing the names of each person who prayed and supported their adoption story.

If you would like to sponsor a puzzle piece, you can make your payment through Paypal. To donate through Paypal just click the link on the right-hand side of this blog. You'll have to put in the amount of pieces you would like to sponsor, at $5 per piece.

Please note that you do not have to have a Paypal account to make this payment online. Just click on the "Donate" button and then scroll down the page to the section that says "Don't have a Paypal account?" Click "Continue" and it will take you to a page to make your payment without having to create an account.

If you are not comfortable with Paypal, but would like to purchase a puzzle piece or two, feel free to send me an email. I'll let you know our address and you can send us a check. My email address is elizabethadoption@gmail.com. And if you would like to buy more than one puzzle piece, we would be very grateful!

Thank you all for your ongoing prayers and support!!

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11 

I try and stay in touch with my readers on a personal level through social media. Share this post to pass it on, and then click here to find me on Facebook. 

7 Days...

Seven days since we made our adoption announcement. Seven days full of my inability to express my gratitude for all that Jesus has done. Seven days of Satan not having any ground to stand on in his attacks...

Today I woke up feeling different though. Today I am struggling with fears and insecurities. Today I have cried 3 times.

Why is it that when God has moved in extraordinary ways right before our eyes, it only takes a split second for us to doubt His faithfulness?

I received an Instagram direct message from my best friend a few minutes ago and it could not have been anything but Jesus because of the perfect timing, so I wanted to share it with you guys...

The truth is everyday is not going to be easy—but no one ever said having a baby was easy.

On this 8th day, I am thankful for SO much that God is doing in our lives, so I am choosing to reflect on those things.

I'm thankful for:

- Friends who move when God asks them to

- A God who keeps His promises and is capable to do ALL things

-All 1228 people who have liked and shared our page

-Everyone who is praying for us and our baby

-Each and every person who has already given a donation. Today we have raised $1300 of our $40,000 goal (in JUST 8 days)!

Thank you all for sharing my story and for all of the encouragement we have received. Chip and I are eternally grateful and cannot wait to share with our baby the names of each of you that helped he/she come home.

I try and stay in touch with my readers on a personal level through social media. Share this post to pass it on, and then click here to find me on Facebook. 

An Update

After months of tests, retests, waiting, and praying. On November 26th we received the news outside of a miracle, we will not conceive a child. The truth is I had prepared myself to get this news. The sting of the pain that I felt in that moment wasn't as sharp as I expected it would be. Grace. God had been preparing me for that day my entire life. In the few months before that day I had been waking up with nightmares in the middle of the night... A baby in a dark room screaming, A toddler in a basement screaming, "Mommy!!" I would wake up in tears and Chip would calm me down. I just couldn't understand why God was torturing me. One day during that time I had coffee with a good friend of mine and she said something that ever since has been the force driving me toward our decision. "Burden plus opportunity, equals calling." God had began to place on my heart a heavy burden that there was a child out there that needed us. Through those dreams, Jesus was revealing to me the calling He was placing on mine and Chip's life...

Chip and I have decided, with much prayer that Jesus is calling us to adopt a child. This has not been a hard decision, although I have picked it apart scrutinizing everything to make sure this is the path God is leading us down. We have always wanted to adopt a child, we just assumed it would be after having biological children, but God had other plans. We already love this child more than anyone can imagine, because it is already our child. God knew the day I was conceived, that He would bless me with a child and I've held that promise in my heart ever since. Our Father is a promise maker, and a promise keeper.

This child is already a member of a family who loves him/her so much. This child has so many people praying for them. This child gets to begin its' life surrounded by love.

We are so excited to begin this journey, and though we know there are still "labor pains" ahead, we are so blessed to have friends/family like you to walk beside us every step.

Please pray for Baby Bordeaux, that he/she will one day begin a relationship with Jesus and use their story to bring glory to Him.

Please pray for the social workers, attorneys, birth mothers, and everyone else that we will cross paths with along the way, that they will see Jesus through us.

Please pray for our family as the news is still reaching some. Pray for understanding and that God can use our story to share His love and our need for Him.

Lastly, please pray for Chip and I... there is a mountain of information, forms, and financial commitments ahead that terrify us. I think the biggest fear is the money; however, I am confident that Jesus has called us to this and that He will provide our every need.

If you feel led to make a donation, you can click on the yellow "Donate" button at the top right of the screen, or send a check to us at 122 Lake Dr. Liberty, SC 29657.

I try and stay in touch with my readers on a personal level through social media. Share this post to pass it on, and then click here to find me on Facebook. 

He provides all our needs...

I love how the Lord always provides what we need, when He knows we need it most. Recently, a girl I went to college with began the adoption process. Her and her husband have struggled with infertility for years and after much prayer have decided this is where God is leading them. It has been such an incredible encouragement to read her story, and she actually is who inspired me to start this blog—if for no other reason than to put my feelings down on paper aka the screen. I hope one day my story will too encourage a girl going through the struggle of infertility. Please take a little time to check out her blog Grace While We Wait.

I try and stay in touch with my readers on a personal level through social media. Share this post to pass it on, and then click here to find me on Facebook. 

Relating to The Shunamite...

Unknown to many... My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for two years now. 

We decided a few months after we were married, to stop taking birth control and give full control to God on when to have a child. Now we are not anti-birth control by any means... I just had been on a roller coaster of emotions and my body continued to reject (through various health issues) every brand of birth control we tried. So, we decided in January of 2011 that we would give complete control to Jesus in determining our pregnancy. 

Chip and I knew we wanted babies and were perfectly ok with having them early on in our marriage. We expected a "surprise" shortly after we stopped taking birth control, little did we know that God had other plans...

I was raised in a very large family. My grandmother, one of 8 girls and a mother of 5,  kept a daycare from the time her youngest was a toddler until she retired a few years ago. As long as I can remember I have been surrounded by children. Being the oldest of 13 grandchildren—ages 4 to 25, and 2 great-grandchildren, with 2 more on the way, it goes without saying our family comes from a long line of "fertile myrtle's". I have had the desire for motherhood since I was old enough to hold a baby-doll. 

After meeting Chip, I knew we would be wonderful parents. He is such a kid at heart and loves to be around children of any age... I never dreamed that our prayers would not be immediately answered. But now, it has been over two years since we went off of birth control, and we still have not conceived. 

It is such a struggle to trust and hold on to the fact that God is a promise maker AND a promise keeper, but that is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind. Yesterday was Mother's Day. Currently, I have 8 friends (off the top of my head) who are expecting, my Facebook feed is swarming with baby announcements, and I have already attended 3 baby showers in the last month. I am so excited for them all, and I don't for one second want any of them to feel bad for sharing their excitement and updates because I want to be there for them every step of the way. They are experiencing God's blessings and I do not want to take away from that one second. I want them to understand that they are not hurting me by sharing their news, honestly it is just a reminder when they do that one day God will fulfill His promise of motherhood to me too. I just wanted to make that clear before going any further, because it is important for my friends to hear me when I say, please do not stop sharing with me out of fear of hurting me. I love hearing all of the joys of motherhood from you!

With that being said...

Yesterday as I watched all of the mother's at church beam with the overwhelming joy of being a mom, and all of the moms-to-be with their excitement of what's to come, I was met with that all too familiar pang of jealousy. I almost didn't even go to church because I knew it would be a sermon focused on motherhood, something that I had convinced myself may never happen for me. I always manage to put on a smile and tell everyone that I am ok with that, and honestly if we are never blessed with a child I will know that despite how hard it is that God is still good and wants great things for my life. 

But yesterday, Jesus took the opportunity to speak to me right where I was during the sermon and I just wanted to share some things with you in hope that He will speak to you as well. 

The story starts in 2 Kings 4:8. Elisha was a prophet in Israel (and prophets were very popular politically and spiritually—they represented the promises of God in Israel).

1. God knows our hearts- This story is about a Shunamite woman who had a heart that was inclined toward the things of God and her struggle (like ours) to not doubt that God is a promise maker and a promise keeper. It is important to remember throughout the story that Elisha should represent Jesus. Starting out in the story, the woman recognized this fact and literally made room in her home for God to work (v.9-10). This is such a "Christian" idea... but I had to ask myself in the midst of my fears of not ever experiencing motherhood, had I made room for God to work or had my fears and reasoning of what was to be consumed my heart?

2. God cares- Elisha was thrilled that she had made room for him, so he asked her if he could do anything to show his gratitude and she said no that she didn't need anything... Isn't this just like us women? I know it is so easy for me to think my problem (infertility) is not as big as some people's needs and that I will be ok without... because there are tons of people who need their prayers answered so much more than I do... Elisha knew better... and again he represents Jesus. The fact is that God cares not just about us, but about what we care about. Don't be scared to pray big prayers because God cares. Sometimes we get in circumstances that seem impossible... we call them impossible circumstances, God calls them miracles. Once Elisha heard that she had a desire to be a mother, he made her a promise that she would be a mother within a year. She then chose to take God at his word. We have to pursue the promises that God made in His word... We can't just pray, we have to pursue... After she heard Elisha, she didn't go pray (not that it's a bad thing) but she went to work... Now this doesn't just have to be physically, but something changed in her. All of the doubt that previously consumed her vanished just by hearing the promise spoken by Elisha. We have that same promise based in the Word... We must take that promise and go to work just as she did, and no longer accept that God will not fulfill His promise to us.

3. God is able- By verses 18-20 we see that at the brightest point in the day, her promise from God died in her lap. The thing is she did not give up here... Her actions in this moment are so important. She carried the boy (which Bible scholars believe was around 10 years old at this time) up to the roof to Elisha's room. She took her promise straight to lay him in Elisha's bed. Remember that Elisha represents Jesus... This mother did not give up on God's promise even when it died. She laid him in God's bed, left the room, and shut the door behind her. Sometimes we have to get to a point where we trust God with our fears more than we trust ourselves, to the point where we lay it at His feet and close the door behind us knowing He can handle it much better than we can. We have to trust God with the promise, more than we trust ourselves.

She didn't just stop there though... she left to go find Elisha, clung to his feet, and refused to let go until he (himself... not his staff, or a servant) came to heal her son. She was a persistent woman who refused to give up on her promise maker. Too many times we are willing to pray for God to do His part and not perspire to do our part.

I took so much from this story, and I know it could speak to women in all sorts of situations; however, for me it was a reminder to not give up on the promises of God. It's so easy for me after two years of infertility to become ok with not receiving the promise of a child... but God desires for us to cling to his feet as the woman did in the story and refuse to give up on the promise that He has made for us.

To be honest, I will be perfectly ok if I never have a child of my own... but God is not ok with that. He wants us to continue praying and perspiring knowing that He will come through for us. In the bible, God ALWAYS keeps His promises. Even if he does not grant us a child, it is not He is not able... so I will continue believing that He is and refusing to believe anything short of that. In His perfect timing, He will answer my prayers in such a way that will fulfill His promise as well as my heart's desire.

I hope this speaks encouragement to you, as it did me.

I try and stay in touch with my readers on a personal level through social media. Share this post to pass it on, and then click here to find me on Facebook.